CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF KAZAKHSTAN FOR NOT MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUP PETA
Considering the success their decision to kill a sheep in the corner of the pitch the night before they beat the Queen's Celtic in the first leg of Big Cup qualifying round first leg brought them, the players of Shakhter Karagandy are unlikely to forego their barbaric tradition any time soon. "We are just observing a tradition," said Viktor Kumyov, manager of the Kazakh side, when quizzed on the subject of the blood-letting. "The guys decided that being in the play-off is a new level and we are not going to violate this tradition." Although less gruesome, the Kazakh side's opponents also appeared to be observing something of a distressing tradition; that of Scottish fitba teams doing their damnedest to get eliminated from European competition by the end of August, one which, unsurprisingly, doesn't appear to have captured the headlines to quite the same extent as the death of a sheep.
Having got wind of of the Kazakh team's wheeze, animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta) were understandably furious and their associate director immediately fired off a missive to Uefa grand camembert Michel Platini. "We are deeply disturbed that a sheep was stabbed to death in an attempt to bring good luck to the Kazakh team," wrote Mimi Bekechi, whose organisation most Fiver readers will remember for its excellent work in the field of getting supermodels to gad about in the altogether for a famous anti-fur campaign that was well-meaning, but hardly an unequivocal success.
"We hope that Mr Platini will agree that animal sacrifice has no place in modern society and we hope Uefa will act swiftly and decisively to ensure that the beautiful game is not further stained by the blood of animals," continued Bekechi, setting in motion a potentially surreal, even by the standards of Uefa, chain of events that could end with one of the greatest footballers in the history of the game having to punish genuinely bewildered people from one of the European game's backwaters for not being nicer to sheep.
With the possible exception of our rugby-playing, bread of heaven-eating, male voice choir-singing Welsh cousin Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver, this tea-timely football email bows to no man in its regard for most things ovine. Our slow-roasted shoulder of lamb is legendary in trendy Big Paper dinner party circles and we would never condone unnecessary cruelty to animals of any kind.
That said, we would be intrigued to see what would happen if, in an act of solidarity with the bloodthirsty farm-boys from Shakhter Karaghandy, Platini delivers his inevitable statement while wearing a hand-knitted Uefa Aran jumper and gnawing on a lamb cutlet. Whatever he does, the Kazakh side are unlikely to take much notice, as they focus instead on how best to maintain their lead in the second leg.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"That's the danger of medicals before contract" – José Mourinho responds after Chelsea apparently won the race to sign Willian … who coughed for the Spurs doctor earlier this week.
FIVER LETTERS
"I'd like to suggest a new Fiver sub-category; 'things that I should have told the Fiver about when they actually happened, but for some reason instead I'm recounting three years after it happened'. And so, here's my opening gambit: I happened to be in the Cobham branch of Waitrose on a Saturday morning and, on turning into the pasta sauces and tinned foods aisle, I spotted none other than ex-Chelsea manager Big Phil Scolari, a good year or so after he'd been released of his big Phil-ing duties, pushing a trolly full of cabbages towards me and looking more than slightly forlorn in a complete Chelsea tracksuit that looked like it had had one wash too many. I can only presume he hadn't told his wife of his sacking, and this was a new daily routine for Big Phil, completed, I like to think, with him booting said cabbages over the (very high) fences that surround Chelsea's Cobham training ground in the hope of knocking imitation firearms out of harm's way. That or it was all one big coincidence and he just really loves cabbages and Cobham. Yours, in retrospect" – Max Pearmain.
"Re: Man Utd's transfer window tactics (yesterday's Fiver). You walk up to a stallholder in a souk (or any other market) and offer the stallholder £28m for his false beard and his gourd. He says no and you walk off, prompting him to chase you down the road in an increasingly desperate manner. That pretty much explains it" – Roland Armitage.
"I'm sure you are snowed under by the avalanche of architects, historians and all other assorted pedants pointing out that not all windows contain glass and, as a consequence, don't close. I for one am glad the transfer window is metaphoric or we would be tortured in perpetuity" – Noeleen Fox (and 1,056 other architects, historians and assorted pedants).
"David Wall (yesterday's Fiver letters) is right … being an Arsenal fan must be terrible. I can imagine Coventry fans seeing all Arsenal's problems (new stadium, fourth-best team in the country, sound finances, etc) and thinking how lucky they are to support such well-run clubs and not such a badly-run team" – Matt Corbishley.
"Re: Nasty Leeds suit David Haigh on the Yorkshire tradition of 'having a pint before and after the match' (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). Having a minimum of five – and ideally eight – before a match has been the only way to enjoy watching Nasty Leeds in recent years. The good people of Ipswich understand this and found the good sense to organise their annual beer festival for our visit there this coming Saturday (just before we are reduced to 10 men for the fifth year in a row …)" – Sean Sweeney.
"Re: Steven King (yesterday's letters). GET OUT! GET OUT! The letter is coming from INSIDE THE BUILDING!" – Bruce Cooper.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Sean Sweeney [it would have been Max Pearmain, but he'll have to wait and be awarded it in three years' time – Fiver Ed].
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BITS AND BOBS
Football fans who abuse players, fellow supporters or tea-timely emails online have been warned they could face prosecution. "It's not just criminality in the stands that will be taken on," roared lawyer Nick Hawkins.
Real Madrid are contemplating a move for Luis Suárez – but only if they get to bite Arsenal's hand off and trouser £46m for Karim Benzema.
Milan will have 10 knacked players missing for their Serie A opener at Verona on Saturday. "The thing that annoys me most is that I won't have [Giampaolo] Pazzini available," scowled coach and master of morale, Massimo Allegri.
Meanwhile, Verona mayor Flavio Tosi has taken a pop at Mario Balotelli ahead of the game. "Mario is a troublemaker. There are lots of black players, and those who don't wind up opposition fans don't have any problems. He is good at making himself seem unpleasant," barked Tosi, who represents the separatist Northern League party.
Kenny Miller has decided that being made to look like Leo Messi by Gary Cahill is the right moment with which to sign off from international fitba. "Kenny is a talented player," faint-praised Scotland boss Gordon Strachan.
And Manchester City have lost knacked captain Vincent Kompany for a month due to his groin-twang.
STILL WANT MORE?
Those season previews just keep on coming: here's Paolo Bandini on Serie A 2013-14.
Small Talk gets a rare slice of three-way action in this hot chat with Paul and Tom Ince.
Amy Lawrence and Jacob Steinberg pick out 10 things to watch for in the Premier League this weekend.
How much of Red or Dead is fact, muses Richard Williams. And how much of Red or Dead is fiction, muses Richard Williams.
And over on the Sport Network, Football Clichés celebrates 10 obscure football feti$hes.
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SOME WEEKEND READING TO TIDE YOU OVER THIS BANK HOLIDAY. SEE YOU TUESDAY
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