How the Liverpool office boy might have reacted after engaging in tasteless "bantz" with an idiot on the office VIC-20. Photograph: Cbs Photo Archive/Getty Images
STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER STOP TWITTER #opleasestoptwitter
It wasn't a great start to the day for the folk who work at Liverpool Football Club. They turned up this morning to find the place in a right old state. Seems the slow-witted office boy had taken it upon himself to stay late yesterday evening and tidy up, but his efforts proved to be more of a hindrance than a help. There he was, sitting atop a pyramid of broken desks, jabbering and crying and patting the top of his head with his palm. Soap suds were oozing out of the carpet. The curtains, newly released from their moorings by the windows, were sticking out the bottom of the Hoover. The bathroom was flooded, with a suspicious trail of toilet paper leading all the way across the floor and into the back of the office boy's trousers. In fairness the kitchen was sparkling clean, though upon closer inspection a small jet of fire was coming out of the cold tap.
An awful lot of mess to clean up, then, though the worst of it was yet to be discovered. For it quickly became apparent that the office boy had worked out to turn on the VIC-20 and had managed to log on to the company Twitter account. Whereupon, presumably in the name of painfully unfunny banter, or, as it's more commonly known, banter, he'd retweeted some bovine dig posted by an idiot regarding the Munich air disaster, and followed it up with the sort of tedious response that would have earned him a clip round the lug from one his own supporters if he'd parped it down the pub. And no we're not giving the tweets any more air, not least because they're so very witless and boring.
An embarrassed Liverpool offered United an immediate unconditional apology, which was accepted with good grace, though it was something of a shame that this latest shambles occurred on a day when a Hillsborough commemorative tracksuit worn by United at last year's north-west derby at Anfield was put on display in the Museum of Liverpool to show how "bonds can be forged between clubs and rival cities". Liverpool have launched an investigation with the express intent of cracking heads, and, along with all other clubs, might question the worth of getting involved in casual chats with half-cut punters on a medium which doesn't have the safety net of a sub-editing process. Not least because company banter is so very witless and boring.
So perhaps they'd like to join our new campaign, STOP FAUX-CASUAL CORPORATE BANTER, which will run alongside our hardy perennials STOP BANTER and STOP FOOTBALL. Though of course all the problems in the world would be solved if we were successful in our grand plan to STOP TWITTER, but that's an argument for another day. As for the office boy? What will happen to him in the long term is yet to be established, though to keep him out of the road today, where he couldn't cause any more damage, he was sent out this morning to run some fools errands, including the purchase of a glass hammer, some striped paint, and tickets for Liverpool's away fixtures in the group stage of Big Vase.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We can't really divulge what is going to happen but I have been told something about 100 performing poodles being involved!" – excitable Sky Sports News presenter Jim White remains uncharacteristically coy upon being asked if he'll be making a James Bond-style entrance to the studios when he turns up for work on Transfer Deadline Day. We think he's joking about the poodles.
FIVER LETTERS
Yet more evidence of Arsenal's crippling procrastination in the transfer market. As this Big Paper article clearly points out, had Arsène Wenger moved a mere 52 years earlier they could have had Luis Suárez for £39,848,001 less. What is going on at that place?" – Nick Trim.
"Re: the improbability of the Fiver spelling out the word 'futility' with the 22 red and blue discs on a tactics board (yesterday's Fiver Letters). Given the fact that the Join Guardian Soulmates section appears in every single edition (implying of the failure of your attempts to point out the futility of advertising it) have you considered pointing out the futility using the same discs? That kind of thing seems to get your readers interested" – Fran Callaghan.
"Last lines that rely upon showy hyperlinks (yesterday's Last Line) to mean anything other than nonsense (Fiver last lines passim) are the footballing equivalent of pink boots. Reading a hyperlinked last line on a Smart Phone deep in New York's mostly no-signal Subway is as gratifying as watching late 2008 vintage Nicklas Bendtner in his rosy slippers on black and white telly. Please stop" – Damien Neva.
"While marvelling at Morgan Armstrong's powers of observation in spotting the 'brown ball things' on the kitchen work-top of the Mayfair flat Papiss Cissé may or may not buy (Fiver Letters passim); I noticed that the estate agent had subtitled the picture to call out the white plastic sink (it's stainless steel) and four-ring electric hob (it's gas). Neither of these are very likely to get used by anyone who can afford to buy the flat, but still, way to earn your money Foxtons" – Paul Dixon.
"Hamburger SV manager Thorsten Fink is now officially my favourite footballer manager after his response to the question of why he didn't sign Nicklas Bendtner (Best Striker in the World™) this summer: 'first - he's too expensive, second – I can't remember the last time he scored'" – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o'the day prize is: Damien Neva.
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BITS AND BOBS
It's almost over! Word that Gareth Bale has almost agreed personal terms with Real Madrid and will be unveiled at the Bernabeu at noon tomorrow was greeted with much raucous cheering from everyone in Fiver Towers who has the weekend off.
Manchester United have made a €12m bid for Roma midfielder Daniele Di Rossi, whose name is an anagram of "ideal derisions" … which kind of sums up the Serie A side's rejection of the offer.
United have bid £25m for Athletic Bilbao midfielder Ander Herrera, whose name is an anagram of "hear rare nerd" … which doesn't really sum up the La Liga's side's rejection of the offer.
Swansea City's lucky fans are off to Spain! Wigan's lucky fan is off to Belgium! Tottenham Hotspur's fans are off to Dagestan, the Ukraine-Moldova border and the North Pole. Click on this link for all the details of this afternoon's Big Vase draw.
And Steaua Bucharest defender Vlad Chiriches has signed on the dotted line for Tottenham Hotspur in an £8.5m deal, despite Sky Sports News footage which suggests the club didn't even send somebody to meet him and his wife at the airport.
STILL WANT MORE?
Mild-mannered Swede Marcus Christenson has been slowly mentally unravelling for the past fortnight in order to bring you all the latest non-news on his rolling transfer blog. Catch up on all today's speculation before he turns Partridge, jumps in his car and drives barefoot to Dundee while eating a Toffee Crisp (Marcus doesn't like Toblerone because he's indifferent to the Swiss).
Jacob Steinberg and Paul Doyle are looking forward to so many things in the Premier League this weekend that they wept salty tears upon discovering they could only compile a list of 10 in this article.
An expensive footballer, another expensive footballer and four other expensive footballers all feature in this week's Joy of Six: record transfers.
And speaking of record transfers, test your knowledge of the 20 Premier League clubs' record signings in Paul Campbell and Charlotte Trundley's lovingly compiled quiz – it's been doing a preposterously brisk trade all day on Big Website, smashing all things Miley Cyrus-related out of the park.
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