SHAKHTER KARAGANDY: LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER?
Tonight's Big Cup set-to between Scottish champions the Queen's Celtic and little-known Kazakh outfit Shakhter Karagandy promises to be tense affair. Despite their status as minnows from a desolate European outpost that's something of a footballing backwater, Shakhter take a two-goal lead to Parkhead. Despite their status as minnows from a desolate European outpost that's something of a footballing backwater, the Queen's Celtic are confident they can overturn this two-goal deficit and qualify for the group stages.
If the prospect of earning gazillions of pounds in revenue from a Big Cup run wasn't incentive enough for the Queen's Celtic, Shakhter manager Viktor Kumyov has apparently been giving it the big 'un, flapping his gums saying the Queen's Celtic's defence is tactically deficient and predicting his team will score two goals. "Sometimes you can set yourself up for things that come back to bite you," said Queen's Celtic boss Neil Lennon. "It's a very dangerous thing because it is not a massive deficit."
Now the Fiver is simple folk – and lazy, who couldn't find any evidence of Kumyov tempting fate … mainly because we didn't look too hard for it. What we did find however, were the following comments from the Kazakh which can hardly be said to smack of over-confidence. "It would not be a big tragedy for us if we don't qualify," he shrugged. "As I stated, the main task was to reach a group stage and we have achieved that already [with Big Vase]. If we don't qualify for [Big Cup] perhaps it is better." Oh, he's giving it the big 'un, alright! That's big, big talk!
In far more interesting news pertaining to tonight's match, the seven million sheep of Scotland can stand around easier in their fields, now that Uefa has warned Shakhter against a repeat of the grisly on-pitch blood sacrifice they made the night before their home leg. "Although certain practices may be culturally rooted, they have no place in or around a sporting arena or event," droned a Uefa missive sent to Shakhter chief suit Yerden Khalilin, that could have been referring to anything from racism, through Morris dancing to groups of England cricketers relieving themselves on The Oval sward. "In this context, I would like to make you aware that animal slaughter on a football pitch or in a stadium before, during or after a Uefa competition match – or with reference to a Uefa competition – is totally improper and will not be tolerated."
And Shakhter's punishment for performing exactly that improper and intolerable act eight days ago? "In case of re-occurance, it will inevitably lead to a full investigation by our disciplinary bodies," continued Uefa sheepishly, washing this poor little fella's blood off its hands.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Paul Doyle from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of the Queen's Celtic 3-1 Shakhter Karagandy (agg: 3-3, Shakhter win on away goals).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
6 February 2007: "This is great for Liverpool, our supporters and the shareholders - it is the beginning of a new era for the club" – Liverpool's then chief suit, Rick Parry.
28 August 2013: "We all wish passionately that they hadn't owned the club" – Liverpool's former chief suit, Rick Parry.
FIVER LETTERS
"You claim False Nine Inside-Out Wingers 4-2-3-1 Fiver wrote 'futility' on a board with 22 counters (yesterday's Fiver). A decipherable 'futility', at an absolute minimum, is 34 counters. If I were counter-rich but time-poor (impending coma for example), I'd go for a basic 3x4 character grid and knock it out with 48 counters. But 22? I'm starting to think you just make stuff up?" – Glenn Leete.
"In order to spell out futility with individual points, there are a number of methods: a) place markers at end points of letters so f=4, u=2,t=4,i=3 … futility= 25; b) use Morse code – one for a dot, two for a dash (which Morse alphabet is not mentioned in article) so f=5, u=4, t=2, i=2 … futility = 27; c) use the disc's vertical axis to change them into lines on a board and then use these lines to form digital display characters so f=4, u=3, t=4, i=1, l=2, y=5 … futility = 24. And so on until you realise that you can achieve anything you set your mind to while waiting for Arsenal to make a transfer apart from forming the word futility using 22 blue and red discs. I cannot imagine you receiving a more futile attempt at entering the most tea-timely email letters section" – Phil Smith.
"I was going to write and complain about the price of Gareth 'two-trick pony' Bale (running quickly and shooting accurately) but judging by the price of this flat, where 'a key feature' is 'a separate kitchen', my value of everything is still stuck in the days when I was under the delusion that Fantasy Football was amusing" – Noble Francis.
"What's that you say, Newcastle Evening Chronicle (yesterday's Bits and Bobs)? You and your camera happened to be lucky enough to tag along with a handful of fans who had the 'once-in-a-lifetime experience' of getting an inside look at Papiss Cissé's 'state-of-the-art home'? Do tell us more. Oh, apparently it 'offers more than just a games room with a range of luxury fixtures and fittings plus underfloor heating, a spacious garden and a plush kitchen area with all mod con appliances and a granite work surface to prepare post-game meals'? Well spotted. Excellent detail too. Is it just me or does that fluff piece suggest that, rather than seeking a PR rapprochement with his club's supporter base, Cissé is in fact about to pack up his BBQ, luxury leather sofas and personalised pool table (not included) and leave Tyneside after all? Under the guise of opening up to the public for a privileged glance into his domestic life, he has cannily cottoned on to the fact that instead of needlessly stumping up for costly estate agent fees and glossy property supplement rates, the price of a few burgers and a bottle of ketchup buys ample local advertising for the sale of an upscale residence. By the time the next transfer window opens, perhaps Sky Sports will have developed its own Cribs-style programme (presented by notable tycoon Robbie Fowler) to help out other wantaway footballers in urgent need of similar real estate market exposure. Then again, maybe the Chronicle just mistakenly sent its property correspondent along to the gig" – Ronan Gingles.
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BITS AND BOBS
André Villas-Boas admits Gareth Bale's transfer to Real Madrid will go ahead for "world record" money and that only the fine-tuning over the contracts need to be finalised. "In the end, this is an agreement between everybody," he parped. "I'm not going to speak from his point of view. He goes to Real Madrid, the biggest club in world football, for the record transfer in world football. We wish him well."
Fenerbahce have been unceremoniously booted out of European competition for the second time in less than 24 hours, after CAS upheld a Uefa-imposed two-year ban for match-fixing.
Chelsea have confirmed the signing of Willian on a five-year contract and now plan to seal a short-term deal for Samuel Eto'o.
And Stocksbridge FC goalkeeper Ben Scott has revealed how his red card for dangerous play enabled him to help save the life of a King's Lynn fan who had collapsed at the Northern Premier League match. "I started walking off the field, getting a nice bit of abuse as you do, when I noticed a young girl running past me," said Scott, also a staff nurse. "She said, 'a gentleman's died', so I followed her into the crowd and came across the gentleman on the floor. His heart was in an irregular rhythm. It was a fantastic bit of teamwork that gave that gentleman a fighting chance. You've got to bear in mind that these guys [St John Ambulance] do it for free – they were fantastic. It does put things into perspective – you do realise that football is only a game."
STILL WANT MORE?
While the Fiver has little time for this booting-the-ball-into-touch-at-the-slightest-whiff-of-knack, neither does it have time for the alleged good sportsmanship on display at Yeovil v Birmingham last night. Air your grievances of gross misjustice tales here.
Look back at last night's Milk Cup action with our gallery.
This week's edition of the Knowledge remembers those games postponed due to waterlogged pitches … in August.
And we held back Football Weekly a day in order to take in Manchester United v Chelsea. That was well worth it, then.
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PLEASE MAKE IT END
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