IT'S OUR ANNUAL BIG CUP DRAW FIVER STORY (STARRING PEDRO PINTO, A REFERENCE TO BINGO AND MONOTONOUSLY PREDICTABLE 'JOKES' ABOUT MANCHESTER UNITED GETTING AN EASY DRAW AND HOT AND COLD BALLS)
Being the tea-timely football email other tea-timely football emails call The Guv'nor (OK, there are no other tea-timely football emails, but we'd like to think that if there were, at least one of them would call us The Guv'nor, even if it meant having to do a Paul Ince and ask them to address us in that manner), the Fiver is unable to bring you news of today's Big Cup draw, which is on in Monaco shortly after we've slithered apologetically into your email inbox.
We can tell you L'il Mickey Owen's going to be there, because he tweeted about having to get up at 5am to travel there this morning. And we're guessing our handsome celebrity chum Pedro Pinto is probably going to be presenting it, because he seems to be Uefa's go-to Portugeezer when they need a smooth continental bloke with nice teeth to try and jazz up a spectacle that would otherwise look like a Generation Game ex-footballers special, in which the contestants are learning how to be bingo-callers. Furthermore, it's probably safe to assume that Manchester United will end up in their usual easy group with FC Viktoria Plizen, the Queen's Celtic and Sefton Taddies U-14s, who can currently be found propping up the Bootle Litherland & Netherton Junior Football League (admittedly, they've yet to play a game).
The Queen's Celtic, you say? Indeed we do, for Neil Lennon's brave Bhoys did just enough to see off the sheep-sacrificers of Shakhter Karagandy last night, winning 3-0 at Queen's Celtic Park to earn their right to have their name printed on a paper rectangle, screwed inside a plastic ball and placed in the official Uefa fridge or oven. With fellow British clubs United, Manchester City, Chelsea and Arsenal In Crisis also in the draw, you'd have to say there's a very good chance at least one British side will make it all the way to the semi-finals, before getting mullered by Juventus, Bayern Munich or Real Barcemadrid.
One man who won't be in Monaco is Cristiano Ronaldo, one of three nominees, along with Franck Ribéry and Leo Messi, for the Uefa European Player of the Year award. While a cynic might argue the Real Madrid winger is sick of turning up at awards ceremonies and watching his nemesis from Barcelona walk off with the gong, the Fiver would steer their attention to the incredibly important Trofeo Teresa Herrera exhibition match his team are playing against Deportivo La Coruña tonight, which clashes with the Uefa jamboree.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Tom Bryant at the Fiver-deadline-baiting time of 5pm for Big Cup bingo!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The management committee are aware of the recent press allegations regarding Gordon Taylor. While this is a private matter for Gordon, he has informed us that this dispute has been in the hands of lawyers for some time. For that reason, it would be inappropriate for us to comment specifically. We have discussed this with him and he has our full support. We recognise that gambling is part of our culture and part of football and it is for that reason that the PFA remains committed to continue in its work to raise awareness levels and educate" – the PFA gives its backing to its chief suit Gordon Taylor, in the wake of allegations that he has amassed £100,000 of gambling debts.
FIVER LETTERS
"A great night for Scottish fitba. What an effort yesterday to pull off an amazing last-minute winner and advance to the next round with a 3-2 victory. All this despite losing several key players in the off-season, facing a half-time deficit and the pressure of playing underrated opposition. Realistically we won't win it all this year but we are guaranteed some TV money now and perhaps even a glamour tie against a big team … like the Queen's Celtic. Well done Dundee United" – Craig McLaughlin.
"Agree that £1.65m is a lot for a flat (yesterday's Fiver letters), especially as the toilet roll holder looks to be broken. Unless Glen Johnson was the previous owner and took it with him (but left the seat)? And what are those brown ball things on the kitchen worktop?" – Morgan Armstrong.
"If Ronan Gingles is right and Papiss Cissé is on the move (yesterday's letters), I know just the property. If it's out of his price range, perhaps someone at Newcastle United can recommend a payday loan company?" – JJ Dunning.
"Re: various attempts to spell 'futility' with 22 markers (yesterday's letters). One could represent the word 'futility' by representing each number with a numerical value: A = 1, right through to Z = 26. Write this in binary, and you can represent 'futility' as follows: 00110 6 F, 10101 21 U, 10100 20 T, 01001 9 I, 01100 12 L, 01001 9 I, 10100 20 T, 11001 25 Y. This can then be represented using counters in a 5x8 grid. Each row represents a letter, an empty space a 0, and a counter, a 1. That requires 18 counters in total. Speaking of futility, my boss will inevitably realise that's the case when it comes to getting me to do the things I'm paid to do, rather than this nonsense" – Liam McGuigan.
"If you're willing to start the encoding with A = 00000, you only need 17 counters. I believe I have also disproved Phil Smith's recent assertion that a more futile attempt at entering the most tea-timely email letters section cannot be imagined" – Nick Dingle.
"False Nine Inside-Out Wingers 4-2-3-1 Fiver laid the tactics board flat, and wrote 'futility' by balancing the tactics counters on their sides. And he only needed 20 counters – he probably dispensed with the number 9s" – Aaron Nelson.
"With a bit of squinting and some creative interpretation, I've managed to spell 'Fiver', which I'm led to believe is basically the same thing" – Scott Connolly.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: JJ Dunning.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsenal have done a signing. Mathieu Flamini, come on down. Again.
Meanwhile, the hamstring-twang that echoed round the Emirates on Tuesday night has sidelined Lukas Podolski for up to 10 weeks.
Nicolas Anelka may be available for West Brom against Swansea City after the striker returned to training following compassionate leave.
Ricardo Vaz Te has asked West Ham if they'd mind if he does one. "It is with a heavy heart that I submit a transfer request and look to join a club where my approach to the game will be appreciated," he blubbed.
And Gareth Bale to Real Madrid. Nope. Not yet.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paolo Bandini runs the rule over Erik Lamela and concludes that the new Spurs signing is good at football.
Some of football's biggest names feature in Classic YouTube this week: Bill Shankly, Diego Maradona and, erm, third division Estonian side Parnu FC.
Our picture of the day is a belter.
And which London club wants to poach Man Utd poacher Javier Hernández? Is it Spurs, Spurs, or Spurs? The Rumour Mill has the answer. You'll never guess.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
There are still places available for the next of Big Paper/Website's 'How to be a football journalist' masterclasses on 29 September. If you're interested, you can sign up here.
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