Wednesday, September 11, 2013

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Like being sentenced to forced labour in a sewer

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Giovanni O'Trapattoni
Giovanni O'Trapattoni: the entertainer. Photograph: Lee Smith/Action Images

ROUTE ONE TO THE JOB CENTRE

So long then, Giovanni O'Trapattoni: you came, you saw, you conquered a country's will to ever watch football again. Once you were great, with the Republic O'Ireland you were just grating. Nothing personal, you understand, because you always came across as a genial chap with honour and fortitude, but, by jaysis, you made supporting Ireland like being sentenced to forced labour in a sewer. You had your moments, to be fair: denied by Thierry Henry's hand in 2010, saved by Richard Dunne's ar$e in 2011, but ultimately your head had to roll.

"We thank Giovanni [O']Trapattoni, Marco Tardelli and Franco [sic] Rossi," gurgled FAI chief wonk, Disco Delaney, upon announcing that O'Trapattoni has been cut loose following Ireland's defeat to Austria on Tuesday night and the manager's wholesale loss of popular approval several years ago. "This particular World Cup campaign has been disappointing but Giovanni leaves us with a group of good young players which should form the basis of the squad that the new manager will use for the European Championships in France 2016, when 24 teams qualify," added Disco, who may be expected to find a way to attend that jamboree whether or not Ireland make it.

"I want to thank everyone in Ireland who has given us their support during our time here, which has always meant a lot to us," declared O'Trapattoni in a statement hoofed in the general direction of his audience. That was not the end of the Italian's statement but the Fiver tuned out so as not to hear him kick off a campaign to have Glenn Whelan installed as player-manager.

Instead, our thoughts turned to the 74-year-old's successor. For who, exactly, will Ireland turn to when it comes to replacing Robbie Keane? Oh, and as for the new manager, the FAI says it will meet "in due course" to discuss a replacement, with most fans seeking a bright visionary who does not show all the flexibility of a stool. Martin O'Neill and Roy Keane are the early favourites.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Other players may have not played but I am a generous person" – Franck Ribéry is also modest to a fault after shrugging off buttock-knack to knock two goals in for France against Belarus.

FIVER LETTERS

"Latin? Really? You are calling on 1,056 Latin pedants' fury? Good luck with that" – Steven Hamilton (and 1,056 others).

"What happened to Quote of the Day II?" – Graham Quick (and no others).

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

GET 40% OFF I AM THE SECRET FOOTBALLER NEW EDITION – EXCLUSIVE OFFER FOR FIVER READERS

From today until 20 September, Fiver readers can get the paperback edition of I Am The Secret Footballer, complete with a new chapter on the 2012-13 season and an introduction written by the Secret Footballer's wife, for only £4.79, saving 40% on RRP. To order your book, visit the Guardian bookshop or call 0330 333 6856 and use promo code SFPB0513.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Roberto Carlos has hit out at new Chelsea signing Samuel Eto'o's performance at Anzhi Makhachkachkachkachkachkala. "When a footballer, instead of playing, is interested in signing players who are his friends ... It's confusing and strange. He did everything at Anzhi, except play football," sniffed the former full-back.

Pretty little thing and Northwich Victoria manager Lee Ashcroft has been banned for 10 games, fined £800 and ordered to complete an appropriate adult education programme after being found guilty of directing abusive words towards an official which included reference to her gender. Ashcroft initially appealed the charge, though it is not known whether he is cute when he is angry.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has offered Gareth Bale a reassuring, confidence-building piece of advice after the Welshman's world-record move to Real Madrid. "When Zinedine Zidane played for Madrid, the fans were whistling against him. If they can whistle against Zidane, I hope Bale has a lot of patience," he cheered.

Norn Ireland forward Martin Paterson has taken a leaf out of his back four's book during the 3-2 defeat to Luxembourg and elected not to defend (their performance). "We haven't really got a leg to stand on," he parped, perhaps explaining their display.

Crystal Palace chairman Steve Parish has denied reports that he is no longer talking to manager Ian Holloway. "Ian and I spoke 123 times on the last day of the transfer window," he said, suggesting he is the one man in history able to out-talk Holloway. Meanwhile new Palace signing Jack Hunt has been ruled out for the season with ankle-crack without having kicked a competitive ball for the club.

Dundee have completed the signing of former Barnet, West Brom, Crystal Palace and Swansea wanderer Craig Beattie. "A fit Craig Beattie will cause havoc," yelped manager John Brown optimistically.

STILL WANT MORE?

That screeching, scraping sound is the noise page 35 stunna Marina Hyde makes when she sharpens her pen. Today: Sepp Blatter's winter World Cup gets it in the neck.

Meanwhile, that tippety, tappety, scratching noise is the sound of tactics guru Michael Cox chalking on his board to work out quite how the likes of Mesut Ozil, Marouane Fellaini and Will. I. Am. are going to fit in their new sides.

After signing up a bus-load of talent, there's only thing Roberto Martínez needs to do next: actually win a football match, snorts Paul Wilson.

Good news for all of you who have ever wondered about the shortest length of time it has taken a player to leave a club and then rejoin it. Because The Knowledge has the answer.

FORE!

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