Do it for Carlton. Photograph: Ben, Radford/Allsport
THE KING IS DISPLEASED
Somewhere in his west London mansion, surrounded by tatty Roland Rat dummies and torn pages of multiple sexed-up dossiers, Greg Dyke is stewing, mumbling to no one in particular and staring angrily at the grandfather clock in the corner, demanding with his eyes that time as we know it comes to a halt.
This is the weekend Dyke has been dreading ever since he was made of King of English Football and he does not want it to actually, properly arrive. In a matter of hours supporters up and down the country will be jumping out of bed, whipping a coloured scarf around their neck and racing out the door to see their team kitted out with a summer's worth of shiny foreign signings. "Ooooh … Özil/Ozil/Eurrzil," will come the purr from Arsenal fans at the Stadium Of Light, "Eek, Eriksen! … and lots of other blokes!" will be the high-pitch screech of excitement heard at White Hart Lane, while in Goodison Park's away end men, women and children dressed in blue will be going wild for Will. I. Am.
Poor King Dyke. This is not what he needed, having told the nation that England needs rid of pesky foreigners if the national team is ever to regain its status as a world superpower, dominating mid-1960s World Cups held on home soil like no other side could or would dare. His demand for change was rammed home by the show Mr Roy and his band of hot-potato merchants put on in Kiev on Tuesday, when the true effects of pesky foreigners-overload was there for all to see. "Just look at the state of us," King Dyke bemoaned, nudging Mr Roy as the England manager opted against a second Polo on the grounds that one's mouth can be too minty. "We are absolutely hopeless. Damn those foreigners for making our lads forget how to pass the ball and, you know, think for themselves."
It was a grim night and what King Dyke needed was a quiet period of national reflection as we all came to terms with England's sudden failure at international level and thought of ways to make things better. Instead this – a carnival of players from other lands coming over here and playing football really, really well. How dare you Elsad Zverotic!
Fortunately for King Dyke, not all the foreigners are shiny or new. At Old Trafford, Marouane Fellaini will make his Manchester United debut amid the type of fanfare normally reserved for the release of a Ronan Keating album, while at Newcastle they have no new foreigners at all. Well apart from Loïc Remy but he came from Queens Park Rangers and has already played for the Toon this season.
Some of the new signings are even English, like Gareth Barry (Everton) and Cameron Jerome (Crystal Palace), so it's not all bad, King Dyke. Keep fighting, keep trying and for Carlton Palmer's sake never stop believing that once these pesky foreigners leave, England will be great again.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I know by December we will be nearly in the middle of the table. I'm sure about that. In December, January, February we will win many games and take off" – while The Fiver wishes Paolo di Canio the best, perhaps it's best to mark his comments in today's press conference here for later reference. Just in case, like.
FIVER LETTERS
"So if I read the assertion in yesterday's Fiver correctly, the umlauts on Mr Özil/Ozil/Eurrzil's face mean that he has four, six, or even eight eyes? I always thought he looked a bit like a Hollywood extraterrestrial" – Eric Penner (and 1,056 others).
"Re. Gary Lineker and Mr Roy's Twitter contretemps. I can't get out of my mind the image of Lineker as Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights. 'With all due respect Mr Roy, you're a bumbling tactical incompetent and your team plays like %*$@', 'What's the matter?' I said 'with all due respect'" – Jason Tew.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger has marked Big Paper's style gurus' decision to award Meszut Özil/Ozil/Eurrzil with his umlaut by comparing him to Dennis Bergkamp. It is comparable because they are similar players in the same department and they are big names who come from big teams," Wenger bragged.
Peter Odemwingie has revealed that new club Cardiff City are stronger than old club West Brom via the unusual (for him) medium of telling his other half, rather than angrily tapping it out on Twitter or driving to QPR. "Yesterday I told my wife that from what I see this is a stronger team than West Brom," he said, proving The Fiver's point.
Andy Carroll has flown to Belgium for treatment on the plantar fascia tissue-knack that is continuing to rule him out for West Ham.
Sheffield Wednesday striker Gary Madine has been found guilty of assaulting an Owls supporter in trendy Sheffield night spot, Paris Bar.
Celtic summer signing Steven Mouyokolo has been ruled out for the rest of the season with achilles-gah! In other knack news, David Silva is likely to miss the start of Manchester City's Champions League campaign with thigh-ouch.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barry Glendenning meets Samuel Eto'o (with somewhat more success than Paul Doyle).
Oof, ooyah, geroff, and other assorted Beano remarks would be the sound effect accompanying this week's Joy of Six on fouls.
Paul Doyle knows so much about French football that, if you open up his head, inside there's a man wearing a beret, a string of onions and whistling Charles Trenet's Boum. That's why he's the man to write this blog on Marseille signing Florian Thauvin.
Ben Mabley knows so little about football journalism that, when the rest of the press pack gleefully reported that Shinji Kagawa had taken a pop at David Moyes, he actually listened to what the midfielder said. Here's what he heard.
Unlike a rearview mirror, our writers only look forwards. Here they are looking forward to 10 things in the Premier League this weekend.
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