The Fiver can't afford the fees Arsenal are charging for pictures of Mesut Ozil, so here's a close up of his eyes instead. Photograph: Javier Buckenmeyer/ Javier Buckenmeyer/Cordon Press/Corbis
UNVEILING NEMO
Twin earrings in lobeless ears. Check. Top button done up. Check. Haphazard tramline shaved above ear. Check. Prattle about a man's game. Check. Yes, Mesut Ozil is indeed a complete footballer, a total footballer, a complete and total footballer.
Accordingly, Arsenal supporters have greeted his arrival with a level of fawning to give Mr Tumnus a bad name and Norris McWhirter a bad something else, the Curly Watts to his Raquel Wolstenhulme, the Tony Blair to his Number 10. Mixologists in speakeasies the length and breadth of Upper Street crossfade Frankie Goes to Hollywood into D:REAM as we #bantz.
Ad Ozil is clearly taking Arsenal as seriously as it's taking him, thoroughly boned-up up on his history; it's "a very successful club," he told the press. And he also commented that "everybody is very nice", a nod to the brave tradition of pre-match hugs and post-goal caresses that characterise the backbone and groundedness for which the Wenger era has achieved particular renown.
But his socialisation is not yet complete; "I can't promise to win anything," he promised, clearly unfamiliar with the Battleforfourthplaceship that the club has virtually colonised. And though some may think that he might miss playing for Madrid, with Ronaldo, Modric, Di María, Alonso, Isco and Bale, nothing could be further from the truth; rather to the contrary. So wonderful are his new team-mates, that he could not identify just one with whom he was looking forward to combining, not even Nicklas Bendtner or Theo Walcott. This is, of course, a mark of the kwalitee that runs throughout the squad, rather than a euphemism for 'none of them, do you really think I want to be here you nutter?'
However, for all its mean-spirited mean spirit, The Fiver is looking forward to watching Ozil pass footballs, his stupendous vision all the more impressive for a man with umlauts for eyes, those Big Paper style-guide baiting ones above his surname the new generation of personalised number-plates and trademarked gestures. But most of all, the Fiver is celebrating the return of a genuine beauty of the English game, absent almost a decade, feared forever lost, and sorely missed: welcome back, smug Arsène, it's been too long.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have no idea what we will do if we ever win the World Cup" - After police were forced to stop jubilant Afghanistan fans firing AK47s in the air following the 2-0 win over India, supporter Ahmad Bashir predicts chaos if they go several better.
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BITS AND BOBS
Jonjo Shelvey has revealed the thrill-rush he enjoyed after being linked with Swansea. "I got home and was sitting down to dinner. My missus had cooked a pasta dish. I hadn't had a bite when my agent came on the phone, saying, 'Get yourself down to Swansea'. I didn't touch my dinner," he cheered.
Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tioté has been in front of the beak charged with using a false Belgian driving licence and of making a false statement to obtain car insurance. He was also facing charges of fraud, though not the ones the club's fans have levelled against him for having the word 'footballer' written on his passport during his performances last season.
Plucky Cape Verde have been hoofed out of the African play-offs for the 2014 World Cup after fielding an ineligible player. Tunisia will now be entered into the draw in their place.
Sulky teenager André Villas-Boas has given Emmanuel Adebayor the Nicolas Anelka treatment that proved so successful when he was Chelsea manager and has booted the Spurs striker into the reserves. "Up to when I find it appropriate, he will train with the development team," growled AVB.
Gerard Piqué has dusted off his Grace Jones records and claimed that Barcelona had become a slave to the rhythm of tiki-taka under managers Pep Guardiola and Tito Vilanova. "If the pressure is on, there is nothing wrong with a long ball now and then," he Mr Roy-ed.
Talking of which: Gary Lineker, Mr Roy, Twitter. Still rumbling along.
And Czech dibble have charged 12 people with suspected match-fixing and illegal betting. "Not all is in order in lower leagues," sniffed the Czech FA.
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In this week's Classic YouTube: the flipbook Lionel Messi, Josep Simunic's reducer and Francis Benali launching John Fashanu into outer space.
It's always bad news when Proper Journalist David Conn comes sniffing around your club: today, he's on a highway to Hull.
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HIGH HEELS
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