A 21-GOAL THRILLER
Goals are overrated, claimed a famously pulsing, synapse-sparking brain in a jar perched on top of the microwave in the kitchen of Fiver Towers. It would appear they are also becoming increasingly rare, if the current ennui and boredom of underworked scoreboard operators in Premier League grounds the length and breadth of the UK is anything to go by. As recently as 4.48pm on Saturday, West Bromwich Albion were the only team in Europe's top five leagues not to have done a goal, while the Premier League is lagging behind its Spanish, Italian, German and French counterparts in the average number of goals scored per game this season so far.
Only 74 goals have been celebrated in the Premier League thus far, compared to 109 this day last year, 94 on this day the year before and 115, 125 and 114 on the three 16 Septembers preceding that. So we're counting on Liverpool and Swansea City to take the bare look off the Premier League table's Goals For column this season and they'll need to serve up a minimum of 21 goals at the Liberty Stadium tonight to avoid making this the most barren opening month to a season since … well, whichever one we'd have discovered if we hadn't got bored doing the relevant arithmetic and given up. It's a tall order considering that, between them, they have found the net only six times in six Premier League games this season, with Liverpool having won each of their games by a solitary Daniel Sturridge goal to nil.
Of course it doesn't bode well for tonight's football entertainment that Brendan Rodgers has been waxing lyrical about the importance of accumulating central-defenders in the run-up to tonight's game. "Good centre-halves are so hard to find," he said, shortly after counting to 100 while waiting for Kolo Touré, Martin Skrtel, Daniel Agger and new signings Mamadou Sakho and Tiago Ilori to go and hide. Assuming his subsequent "seek" is successful, all five stoppers ought to be available for selection against Swanseabut hopefully Rodgers will only pick two of them as a concession to all those viewers suffering a collective loss of will to live after watching Southampton v West Ham.
Alvaro Vázquez is the latest in an increasingly large number of Swansea City Spanish señors expected to feature at some point tonight, having been brought in on loan from Getafe to give Michael Laudrup different options to those provided by Michu and Wilfried Bony. "We were looking into four or five different players but for one reason or another one or two were not possible, and in the end you come down to the same thing – value for money," said Laudrup, which loosely translated to the Fiver, reads: "He certainly wasn't our first or second choice, but we got him in because he was fairly cheap." Of course, like everyone else, Laudrup could have had the Fiver for free but, like so many other managers these days, went for the more expensive, em, cheaper option.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Georgina Turner for MBM coverage of Swansea 10-11 Liverpool from 8pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Calling me a donkey doesn't offend me because they are one of the most hard-working animals" – Internacional and former Brazil coach Dunga reveals he doesn't mind being called an a$$.
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FIVER LETTERS
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"Having suffered from plantar fasciitis for some years I can offer Andy Carroll some advice through The Fiver. Sit down, grab your foot and pull the big toe back as far as possible. It is advisable, however, to stop before it breaks. This will sort it out. The Fiver may of course not want to see him get better – in which case it may be better not to publish this information" – John Reed
"I am sure if Lord Ferg and RVP had won the manager and player of the month awards there would have been massive fanfare on the Guardian website. However, Brendan and Daniel win while Liverpool are top of the league, and there's not even a mention of it. Can't wait to see the spin you put on it in May when Liverpool are in the CL and United are not. You lot treat Liverpool worse than The Sun. I guess thos [sic] won't be getting published, then" – James Callaghan
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BITS AND BOBS
Now that the closing of the transfer window has ruled out any chance of a move, and a few weeks after he went on strike, Yohan Cabaye has said he is "happy" at Newcastle. "It is very important to be right in my head and I am," he cheered.
Coppers in Flamin' Australia have charged six men following a flamin' multi-million-dollar match-fixing ring including two flamin' English former Hornchurch players Reiss Noel and Joe Woolley.
More good news for Qatar's 2020 World Cup dept: Fifa top doc Michel D'Hooghe says it will be dangerous for fans. "They will need to travel from venue to venue and I think it's not a good idea for them to do that in temperatures of 47 degrees or more," he said, apparently breaking the news to Fifa that it's hot in the Middle East in the summer.
Players across Britain will be asked to wear rainbow-coloured laces in their boots next weekend in support of a campaign to tackle homophobia in football.
And players during the Conference match between Salisbury City and Chester were surprised to see a parachutist land on the pitch halfway through the game. Though not half as surprised as the Fiver was to see that former Stoke enforcer Danny Higginbotham now plays for Chester. "#bizarre" he tweeted – about the parachute, we should add.
STILL WANT MORE?
DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! Or at least in a bit, when it's up.
Just what was a Genoa coach doing in camouflage, hiding in a bush and watching Sampdoria. And why is he now known as Rambo? Paolo Bandini has the answer.
In news that will come as a blow to anyone looking for an article in which various methods of showing people in other directions comes under discussion, our Talking Points blog is actually about the Premier League weekend.
Michael Cox had to watch Southampton v West Ham, so the least you can do is work out how he managed to extract an article out of it.
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