THE FIVER DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE ON
The streets of Soho were this afternoon teeming with men in tartan skirts. The Fiver naturally assumed there had simply been a fissure in the space-time continuum, a result of Luis Suarez performing so many 180-degree turns in quick succession on both hemispheres that the world had started rotating east to west and as a consequence it was 1980 again, the New Romantic movement was in full swing, and Spandau Ballet must be playing a gig tonight at the Blitz. But then we noticed none of the tartan-clad masses were wearing eyeliner, sweeping up thick lines of jazz salt from the covers of JG Ballard paperbacks, or injecting be-bop tincture into their eyeballs. So if they weren't New Romantics, who the hell were these people? And was it really not 1980?
Apparently not. Turns out the England football team are playing an exhibition match this evening against what appears to be some random members of the public from Scotland, an ersatz re-enactment of a once-popular sporting fixture that was contested way back in the last millennium. The fans are joining in the retro fun, too, dressing up for the day and enjoying a wee sing-song - coincidentally in the chant format popularised by Gary Kemp's aforementioned pop-funk pioneers - while taking attention-seeking dips in the Trafalgar Square fountains. All good, clean, wholesome fun, and a far cry from the joyous years when Scottish fans would make a pilgrimage down to England's capital principally to see if they could fill up the entire London Underground with boak.
Scotland's new-age support are also highly unlikely to re-stage perhaps the most famous scene in the entire history of the old fixture, the ripping down of the Wembley goalposts in 1977. But then that was in acknowledgement of a Scotland team, so good they were seriously expected to make progress at the following year's World Cup, totally outplaying England on their own patch. With the English having only lost once in their last 17 games, and Scotland recently coming off second best in a double-header against Wales, such crossbar-bothering celebratory capers are unlikely to be encouraged tonight. Even the loss to hot-favourites England of Michael Carrick, who has an eye infection that suggests David Moyes is arguably even better at making up ludicrous excuses to international managers than Sir Alex Ferguson ever was, shouldn't weaken a midfield expected to be built around Steven Gerrard and Jack Wilshere.
But Scottish supporters desirous of the chance to make off with a roll of turf should take succour from two things: form goes out of the window whenever England take on Scotland, and also the Fiver doesn't know what the hell it is talking about. The Scots might have been turned over twice recently by Gareth Bale +10, but they're also coming off the back of a stunning win in Croatia, and according to their manager Wee Man, are "feeling good". So good, in fact, that they couldn't be bothered to take a traditional training session at Wembley ahead of the game, deciding that they had "done enough" in preparation already and so "knocked that on the head". Another retro nod there, this time to the old-school carefree Scottish insouciance. That's something that's served them well in the past, for example when Jim Baxter played keepie uppie in 1967, taunting and humiliating the world champions who ... er ... ran up the other end and scored. Or how about when Frank Haffey sang happy songs in the Wembley bath after ... eh ... letting in nine goals. Actually, Scotland may be better served playing this one straight. Much as we like Wee Man's style, has anyone got Craig Levein's phone number?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Scott Murray from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of England 2-1 Scotland, and Barry Glendenning at the same time for Wales 0-0 Republic O'Ireland.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"For now, due to all of the people's affection, I will be staying" – Luis Suárez on why love, and love alone, may keep him at Anfield. For now.
FIVER LETTERS
"Let me guess. You had so many copies of Monday's Fiver left over that you decided to give it away free with Tuesday's as a sort of two-for-one promotional offer, forgetting it is free anyway and that it was not even a good edition on Monday. It has not aged well" – John Stainton (and 1,056 others).
"Obligatory letter about the resending of Monday's Fiver to our inboxes, complete with pithy retort about the hilarious consequences that ensued and/or humourous suggestion as to why we received two copies" – Matthew Sharpe.
"So, Wayne Rooney has been confiding in $tevie Mbe has he? What on earth would $tevie know about disrespecting his club by flirting with Chelsea to get more money? Oh" – Leighton Taylor.
"As sad as it is to see Scotland languishing at 50th in the world according to the Fifa rankings, two places below Burkina Faso and 12 places below Albania, I am quite confident that they are focusing on nurturing the success of young players and the future of Scottish fitb … ah" – Noble Francis.
"Perhaps self-proclaimed style god, #5 Rio Ferdinand had something like this little gem in mind for the rebranding of the England team (yesterday's Fiver), after it worked so well for USA! USA!! USA!!! before the 2002 World Cup" – Brent Lindsay.
"In watching NBC's Premier League Countdown this past Sunday, I was shocked to discover that the term 'w@nker' can be used on American television. With the Fiver's reputation as a bastion of moral corruption now in jeopardy from the forces of US degeneracy, what do you plan to do to keep the boat afloat?" – Ron Bermer.
"Re: your Liverpool rejects to West Ham XI (Fiver letters passim). Surely Liverpool and Hammers, er, legend Robbie Keane deserves an honourable mention? Particularly when you consider that, as a kid, he always dreamed of growing up to play for, etc and so on" – Paul Cantwell.
"Dear Fiver, it seems that Jonathan Wilson offers an answer in his article on Anzhi Makhachkalakalakalakalakala to your question posed on 6 August regarding the relation between a Wayne Rooney transfer request and the price of maize in South Sudan. Cheaper food prices after the end of the potash cartel mean Chelsea are likely to pick up bargain Samuel Eto'o rather than plump for Rooney. Wilson seems to have an answer to even the most obscure questions" – Paul Vickers.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Leighton Taylor.
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BITS AND BOBS
Naughty step news: Stoke's Cameron Jerome has been fined £50,000 after he admitted breaching FA betting rules. And Metalist Kharkiv, who would sound like this if they were a noise, have been bundled out of Big Cup for links to match-fixing
The era-defining fixture that everyone was looking forward to – Hull Tigers v Fulham Jaguars – is on the back-burner. "We won't be becoming Fulham Jaguars," says new owned Shahid Khan. "Anything historical like that, I absolutely have no intention of messing with."
Chelsea's Brazilian nipper and Wensleydale fan Wallace has joined Internazionale on a season-long loan.
Liverpool are in for £30m Black Eyed Peas ace Willian, but Diego Costa's £22m Anfield move seems less imminent after he signed a long-term Atlético deal. "I'm delighted," he beamed. "It's a very special moment."
And Levski Sofia have sacked four players for being no good, including well-named Dutch defender Dustley Mulder. "We can't achieve with these players," roared chief suit Nasko Sirakov. "I gave them a chance. They didn't take it."
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Amy Lawrence and Barry Glendenning give some hot chat on Stoke and Sunderland's chances for the coming season, respectively.
STILL WANT MORE?
The differences between flip-flops, sandals and shower shoes are discussed in ludicrous detail in the first Football Weekly podcast of the new season.
Daniel Taylor explains why selling Wayne Rooney to Chelsea is unthinkable for Manchester United.
Don't miss Italy v Argentina, France v Belgium and Portugal v Holland, spits Ian McCourt in his five things to watch out for tonight.
Paul Wilson gives the once-over on Stoke's chances in his Premier League preview …
… while Louise Taylor muses on the 'tangible excitement on Wearside' in her Sunderland preview.
And the Rumour Mill grows world-weary and hyphen-heavy with the transfer-merry-go-round-that-just-won't-spin.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
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