THE HISTORY BOY
The Fiver was going to call upon one of its cousins for their view on last night's surprisingly joyous romp between England and Scotland at Wembley but unfortunately a bekilted Shortbread McFiver is still staggering around Trafalgar Square, bellowing Flower of Scotland at the top of his lungs and occasionally trying to climb Nelson's Column, while $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver is swanning triumphantly around Trafalgar Square, bellowing Land of Hope and Glory at the top of his lungs and occasionally berating Shortbread McFiver for trying to climb Nelson's Column. "Get down from there, you uncivilised brute," he roared, commemorative Jimmy Hill St George's bow tie spinning furiously, "and come over here so I can give you a damn good thrashing, much like the one England gave Scotland last night!"
That, of course, was something of an exaggeration, because for long periods Scotland gave as good as they got, twice taking the lead, but in the end the night belonged to one man: Sir Richard of Lambert, who scored the winner with his first ever touch in an England shirt. In terms of English history, it was a moment to rival the opening ceremony of London 2012, 1966 and all that, and Andy Murray winning Wimbledon. In fact, it would only have been better if the Royal Baby had risen to nut the ball past a helpless Allan McGregor.
As it was, we had to make do with Sir Richard. The Southampton forward, who once used to work in a beetroot factory, and whose header ensured he would escape further comparisons with Jay Bothroyd, Kevin Davies, Michael Ricketts and Bobby Zamora and instead became one of a select band of players who have scored on their England debut, joining legends such as Francis Jeffers and Darius Vassell. Mr Roy was so pleased that he's even promising to include Sir Richard in his next squad.
The night was not totally perfect, however. Before the happy ending, Wayne Rooney had offered another reminder of the utter futility of his existence, Gary Cahill had been made to look like a lumbering dolt by Kenny Miller, Joe Hart had paid tribute to Ray Clemence by fumbling in James Morrison's opener and Mr Roy had decided to give the $tevie Mbe-Frank Lampard experiment another go. Give it up, Mr Roy. The moment when Mbe handed the captain's armband to Lampard was the first successful pass between the pair in 10 years.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"They say the league's not handicapped but it is handicapped" – Lord Ferg, 2008.
"They tell me it's not planned. I've got my doubts. I'm not saying what they do down there, but next year we will be sending somebody to see how it happens, I can assure you. I just don't understand how you can get the fixtures like that" – Lord Ferg, 2009.
"I think Chelsea chose the fixture list themselves" – Lord Ferg, 2010.
"It is not fair but once you shake hands with the devil there is nothing you can do about it" – Lord Ferg, 2011.
"How many times have I complained about it? You've heard my complaints. Do they listen?" – Lord Ferg, 2012.
"I find it hard to believe that's the way the balls came out of the bag, that's for sure" – having ticked 'Upset Wayne Rooney' off the To Do list left to him by his Lord Ferg, David Moyes gets on with Item Two to ensure his predecessor's legacy remains alive.
FIVER LETTERS
"Is it just me who finds Cameron Jerome's £50,000 fine for betting (yesterday's Bits and Bobs) slightly incongruous considering Stoke's owners and shirt sponsors?" – Adam Gilbert.
"Thought all Fiver readers would appreciate watching Sky's Nick Collins auditioning for the next series of BBC1's Miranda" – Ted Hodgson.
"Can I be one of 1,057 slipper-wearing, old-before-his-time pedants, who are off to the Great British Beer Festival, to point out that there is no such thing as 'pear cider' (yesterday's picture caption) – no matter what certain companies might say. It's called 'perry'" – Joe Dudley (and no others).
"Ron Berman (yesterday's Fiver letters) is obviously a fan of American television's sport coverage, but not of great American sitcoms. If he were, he would know that Peggy, wife of the sublime Al Bundy in 'Married With Children', had the maiden name of W@nker. I also recall an episode of spoof cop show 'Sledge Hammer' in which Adam Ant (post-chart bothering, but pre-launching car engine parts through pub windows) played the villain, and, during the episode's climactic chase, hurled this imprecation at a pursuing Sledge. Right, just off to get out more" – Barrie Francis.
"I can only assume that Ron was never a fan of Crockett and Tubbs, the two sockless detectives from Miami Vice and is therefore unfamiliar with Phil Collins' appearance on the lurid 1980s TV show" – Tim Grey.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Barrie Francis.
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BITS AND BOBS
Gareth Bale will miss Tottenham's Premier League start due to presumed Real Madrid-knack. Meanwhile, Spurs have announced the arrival of £9.4m midfielder Etienne Capoue on their Twitter account, possibly while bored on a train.
Darren Bent is coughing for the Fulham doctors with a view to a transfer, having given Crystal Palace quacks the cold shoulder – a condition they immediately diagnosed as adhesive capsulitis.
New QPR midfielder Karl Henry – yes, that Karl Henry – says he is not a dirty player. "I like the defensive part of the game … if that makes me an enforcer then that's what I am," he New Coked.
He is as fed up with talking about Jose Mourinho as everyone else. "I will not talk anything about that person, not worth it. Sorry, but I will not talk about that person," He sniffed.
A winter World Cup would be "impossible" according to Premier League chief suit Richard Scudamore, who is clearly not going to score a job with this lot once he's finished with football.
GFH Capital, who bought Nasty Leeds in December, have sold more than half of their 100% holding less than six months later.
And Ronaldinho has finally explained the big grin on his face while he was playing in Spain. "During my time at Barcelona I often practiced $ex before games and it was not just not a problem but a benefit, as it made me happier before I played on the field," he lotharioed.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Amy Lawrence and Jacob Steinberg give some hot chat on Swansea and Tottenham's chances for the coming season, respectively.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe explains why the real story of the summer in Spain has been the player exodus, in his La Liga 2013-14 season preview.
Meanwhile, the Premier League previews keep coming thick and fast: here's Jacob Steinberg on Swansea City and David Hytner on Spurs.
John Ashdown is so excited (and he just can't hide it) that he's tapped out 10 things to look forward to in the Premier League this season.
Jay-Jay Okocha schooling Mary Shelley's Oliver Kahn and Half Man Half Biscuit feature in this week's Classic YouTube.
And you – YES, YOU, READER! – can vote if you think there should be more England v Scotland games in our poll.
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