'And then Olly says to me, 'nobody puts Bébé in a corner'. How we laughed.' Photograph: Jan Kruger/PA
There's a charming and quaint sport called Football
It's noted for disgrace and fun
And one day that fine Rupert Murdoch
Conceived it, and called it his son.
A grand little lad was young Football
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With new clothes just pinched straight from the emperor
You'll see them next time you're in hell.
He didn't think much to morality
Being nice, it was fiddlin' and small
He wanted misery, and people exploited
Else there was nothing to laugh at all.
In seeking for further amusement
He solicited for even more dough
The telly lot were right keen to buy him
And bundle it with broadband, like so.
At the start of the 2013 season
Excitement and thrills did conjoin
Tim Lovejoy! Dan Walker! Geoff Shreeves!
Like lava poured straight to the groin.
And that slightly burning sensation
Is nothing compared to the sting
Of fifty notes given each weekend
To pay for tatts, wags, hair and bling.
But every respectable player
Needs customised toilet of gold
Initials in diamonds, and heated
Lest their poor recta get cold.
Meanwhile all over the globe
The people ingest Premier League
While authorities egest in their faces
And government enjoys the intrigue.
Oh Football is splendid and handy
Can do the most varied of means
Turn torture and slavery to glory
Grand larceny? Incredible scenes!
So take care this fine brand new season
It seems like it all matters so
It doesn't and neither does anything
But we'll all still pretend we don't know.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Stop messing about and win promotion" – Diego Maradona gives a sample of the considered advice he will be dishing out in his new role as part-time consultant to Argentinian fifth-tier amateur outfit Deportivo Riestra.
FIVER LETTERS
"Marquee signings, extra-curricular headlines, good-guys and villains, telling it like it is, displays of technical excellence and laughable ineptitude, blood and sweat, the heat of the kitchen, intense competition, heartbreak and triumph, indecision and controversy over rulings, efforts that fail to rise to the challenge, innovation and creativity, traditional favourites, key characters putting their balls on show for all to see … yes, the Great British Bake Off is back! Shame that there's nothing interesting going on over the weekend to help pass the time until Tuesday" – David Wall.
"A quick perusal of the team names in the Fiver readers' fantasy football league (Fiver letters passim) would suggest the team name Murder on Zidane's Floor has been selected by many people. Surely the readers of this email should be too dismissive of such lame jokes and repetition to … oh" – Carole Petts.
"Re: perry and pear cider. Could I be one of the 1,057 pedants who point out that Joe Dudley couldn't have been more wrong (yesterday's letters). Perry is made out of specific varieties of pear ('perry pears'), whereas pear cider is made out of any old pear variety. Perry pears include the delightfully named Hendre Huffcap, Merrylegs, Judge Amphlett and Bartestree Squash" – David Morgans (and 1,056 increasingly merry others).
"It might also interest Barrie Francis (yesterday's letters) that Mindy, of Mork 'n Mindy, worked in a record shop run by a Mr W@nker. I had to look this up cos I can still recall the frisson of excitement I had as a 12-year-old when I first heard his name (on telly, in my house, in England). It was all we talked about at school the following morning. Heady days!" – Brian Saffer.
"As an avid reader of the Fiver, I thought you might like to read this letter, which I have penned in an attempt to: a) get signed by spend-thrift Manchester City; and b) make some dough in the process. What do you think my prospects are?" – Iain Naylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: David Wall.
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BITS AND BOBS
Luis Suárez is understood to have said sorry … to his Liverpool team-mates – presumably in the Father Jack style – after rejoining them for training.
Meanwhile, Brendan Rodgers has signed Valencia left-back Aly Cissokho on a season-long loan subject to any teething problems.
Aston Villa's Darren Bent and his gigantic headphones have joined Fulham on a season's loan instead of Crystal Palace. "They're bigger sharks than us," sobbed Ian Holloway.
England boss Mr Roy seems to have finally twigged that Joe Hart's gloves are slippier than an oily eel who fancies himself as a pickpocket. "Joe's place is as much open to competition as anyone else's … I'll be watching him closely in the coming games," mumbled Mr Roy.
The NextGen Series has been suspended for a season due to "a lack of definite funding", organisers have announced. Coincidentally, the Uefa Youth League launches imminently.
And Internacional coach Dunga has got the funk on with ballboys despite his team's last-gasp 3-3 draw against Botafogo. "The ballboys' job is to put the ball on the ground and not play for the home team," he sniffed. "I don't know who controls them but they are part of the spectacle."
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Barry Glendenning and Jacob Steinberg give the final hot chat on West Brom and West Ham's chances for the coming season, respectively.
STILL WANT MORE?
If you never got the chance to play Wheel of Fortune (or a Spirograph, for that matter) but always wanted to, have a fiddle with this transfer interactive instead. It's great. And Nicky Campbell has nothing to do with it.
Will West Brom do as well this season as they did last? Probably not, is the short answer. Barry Glendenning supplies the longer answer in this preview.
West Ham are set for a top-10 finish thanks to some shrewd signings and Big Sam logic, cheers Jacob Steinberg in our final Premier League preview.
Barney Ronay can't wait for the new season to start so that he doesn't have to read bible-length articles on footballers going nowhere.
Hatem Ben Arfa's hamstring-twang is one of the things you should be looking out for this weekend. Read the other nine slightly less maverick things here.
Formation-botherer Michael Cox runs the rule over the five new managers in the Premier League.
And Paulinho reveals Nicklas Bendtner-esque levels of self-confidence as he tells Fernando Duarte how he hopes to bend Spurs' tactics to fit his style.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
There are still places available for the next of Big Paper/Website's 'How to be a football journalist' masterclasses on 29 September. If you're interested, you can sign up here.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
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BECAUSE NO ONE EVER REMEMBERS THESE THINGS: 1) MANCHESTER CITY, 2) CHELSEA, 3) MANCHESTER UNITED, 4) TOTTENHAM, 5) ARSENAL, 6) LIVERPOOL, 7) SWANSEA, 8) EVERTON, 9) SOUTHAMPTON, 10) NORWICH, 11) ASTON VILLA, 12) NEWCASTLE, 13) WEST HAM, 14) FULHAM, 15) SUNDERLAND, 16) WEST BROM, 17) CARDIFF, 18) STOKE, 19) CRYSTAL PALACE, 20) HULL
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