WHATCHA GUNNER DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU?
No one does superlative quite like Arsène Wenger. Once upon time, in a land far, far away, this could be applied to the manner in which his team played football. But, after defeating domestic opposition in 2004, it was time for a new challenge: language. And Wenger being Wenger, he refuses do things by halves, not only battling the entire dictionary, but the basis of his being. Accordingly, he began with that which defines him: the aforementioned football. No longer was it fastest, hardest, cleverest and directest, rather friendliest, softest, tippy-tappiest, and ineffectivest – and all accomplished as though it was nothing.
Then, with the sporting situation resolved, he got to work on himself. When first we met him, he was smartest: blazer, tie, shirt, slacks, side-parting. But soon, he was scruffiest: tracksuit, beanie, puffa, birds' nest. Aesthetics summarily defeated, he got to work on demeanour. No more urbanest, that was far too easy. Instead, who wouldn't embrace the furious pleasure of angriest? How not to consider it a triumph to extend Mr Tickle arms and Skeletor fingers in inconceivable rage every single Saturday! New contract for Theo Walcott? Done.
When Wenger arrived at Arsenal, he revolutionised the club. But one thing he knew to leave alone, though its ways contradicted every fibre of his philosophy, was George Graham's back-five. He saw that it was good, and he adapted. However, for new Wenger, this aggression could not stand, for adapting is for phonies. Both history and literature are replete with characters of incredible intransigence: Thatcher, Karenina, Blair and God, for example. And yet, despite it all, not one of them purchased Manuel Almunia, and then picked him repeatedly, against overwhelming evidence that he was no more goalkeeper than giraffe is toilet. Wenger is, without doubt, stubbornest.
And consider his transfer activity. In the past, £11m was spent on Thierry Henry, £7.2m on Lauren, £13m on Sylvain Wiltord, £6m on Richard Wright and £15m on Andrey Arshavin, haphazardly augmenting a squad already challenging for titles. Now, it's £2.7m on Park Chu-young and £0.0m on Yaya Sanogo; it is simply impossible to argue that he is not stingiest. So today, as Arsenal prepare to face Fenerbahce, in genuine danger of being eliminated from Big Cup before their traditional date of elimination from Big Cup, it's all too easy to snipe and vex and complain. But that would be to underestimate the measure of the man: Arsène Wenger has changed, and how many of us can say that?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Football and sport and being active, that has been his life, so when he was in his coma we were told to talk to him. On the first Saturday Larkhall had a game and me and his brother told him the score and he opened his eyes" – Mandy Thorne explains how her husband Wayne, manager of Larkhall Athletic FC, emerged from an induced coma after a car crash, upon hearing that his team had won 4-3 at Bridport.
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BITS AND BOBS
Having tossed his toys out of the pram and requested a move from Borussia Dortmund at the start of the summer, Robert Lewandowski has now resolved his differences with the Big Cup runners-up … for a fee of £3m extra per year. "I was then disappointed and angry. But now everything is calm," cheered Lewandowski.
Spurs boss André Villas-Boas has confirmed that the club are in talks with Anzhi over the signing of Willian. "There is interest in the player and there have been conversations," he mused.
Real Madrid's Xabi Alonso faces three months out after suffering the must-have knack of recent seasons, metatarsal-snap.
Neil Lennon has warned Shakhter Karagandy that the Queen's Celtic will fire everything at them in their Big Cup play-off second leg after losing 2-0 yesterday. "They didn't [surprise me]. We knew exactly how they would play," parped Lennon.
Galatasaray's Fatih Terim has reportedly been offered a four-year deal to talk Turkey. Specifically, the national team job.
Canada women's coach John Herdman is ready to jump ship after Hope Powell was sacked by England yesterday. "If the English FA ring me up, it's my homeland, and if they say 'we need your help' I'm going to have to consider that," he come-and-get-me-plead.
And Brazilian table-toppers Nautico have threatened to boycott domestic championship matches after being forced to play two games in three days to accomodate other teams playing friendlies in Europe. "The law is that there has to be 66 hours between matches and we are only going to play if this is respected," sniffed Nautico president Paulo Wanderley.
STILL WANT MORE?
Want to know how to look good on the pitch this season? The Fiver hasn't a clue, but here's the verdict from those fashiony sorts that do.
Sachin Nakrani asks Football Manager's creator how the game that contributed to 35 divorces last year remains so addictive.
The longest period between major international derbies comes under scrutiny in this week's edition of the Knowledge.
And keep up to date with the latest non-happenings in the transfer market, with Marcus Christenson's Shakespeare-inspired liveblog.
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