Two Arsenal fans [neither in tracksuits, nor ne'er-do-wells – Fiver Lawyers] are psyched for the possible arrival of Mesut Ozil. Photograph: Andrew Matthews/PA
IT'LL BE ALL WHITE ON THE NIGHT
At the time of writing, the biggest news this deadline day is that QPR manager 'Arry Redknapp didn't stop his Range Rover and roll down the window to say hello to Gail Davis on his way into work this morning. Today, Davis is Sky Sports News's designated reporter standing outside the QPR training ground, talking into a camera while nothing much happens, along with colleagues James Cooper (Man Utd), Graham Thomas (Cardiff), Jeremy Langdon (Crystal Palace), Paul Gilmour (Chelsea) and an excitement of other men and women nervously awaiting the inevitable background heckling from assorted tracksuit-wearing ne'er-do-wells and big blokes rolling cigarettes. Normally a very friendly fellow, the reasons for 'Arry's lack of chivalry remain unknown, but it's thought he may have been preoccupied by the prospect of bringing triffic fellas Emmanuel Adebayor and Benoît Essou-Akotto to Loftus Road on loan.
In other deadline day news, Sky Sports News flagship presenter Jim White was making important telephone calls, getting on the blower to find out what colour dress his co-host Natalie Sawyer will be wearing so he can colour co-ordinate his tie. Oh … and depending on what time you read this, Arsenal plan to/have already smash/smashed their transfer record to bring Mesut Ozil to the Emirates for £46m, prompting football writers the length and breadth of the UK to shout: "How the [effin-jeff] do you type an umlaut?" across their offices. At nearly three times the price of their previous record transfer Andrey Arshavin, Gooners can at least relax safe in the knowledge he can't possibly end up being three times as bobbins.
You can find news of all the day's transfers, big and small, in this rolling deadline day blog manned by John Ashdown, which also serves as an interesting timeline of one man's slow mental disintegration and descent into madness. You'll see that while 19 of the 20 Premier League clubs scrambled in their last-ditch efforts to bring in new recruits, the Sky Sports News producers cut to live footage of a microphone-holding skeleton standing outside a deserted St James' Park in Newcastle. As the tumbleweed rolled in and out of shot … somewhere in the distance a forlorn sounding church bell clanged.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE LATER
Transfer-deadline-day-short-straw-puller Rob Bagchi is limbering up as we type, with – and we kid you not – a computer keyboard and computer mouse in front of him. We know! Keep him company. Once John capitulates.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"For me, Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world. His presence played a big part in my decision to join Madrid. It will be an honour to play alongside him. What about penalties and free-kicks? Ronaldo is the boss here at Madrid. Let's see what he says" – Gareth Bale swallows his first dose of Bernabéu politics.
FIVER LETTERS
"To whom it may concern. I recently downloaded the Guardian's Guide To Running Podcasts and was very excited to try it out. I had my living room all set up, with plenty of puns ready to go, and I was prepared with a veritable United Nations of world football enthusiasts as we sat down to follow the instructions that would surely turn us into the next James Richardsons and Sid Lowes, or (at very least) Max Rushdens and Barry Glendennings. So imagine our surprise when the Guide is full of some nonsense about choosing shoes and checking your heart-rate! There wasn't a single mention of selecting a running order, recording equipment, or clever football entendres or C-list celebrity anecdotes. I would very much appreciate a full refund, thank you" – Matt Derby.
"With the Gareth Bale deal now done and dusted, I am reminded of this story from a rival paper a few years back" – Neil Turner.
"Re: the recent signing by Tottenham of Vlad Chiriches (Friday's Bits and Bobs). I am hoping a budding wit in the Spurs dressing room will give him the nickname 'Rags'. I realise this doesn't quite reach the heights of the standard bearer where puntastic nicknames are concerned, the peerless, perhaps never-to-be-beaten, 'One Size' Fitz Hall" – Matthew Wimbury.
"Might he come to be known as Vlad In for Bale-er?" – John Myles.
"Re: Friday's byline. Scott Murray has let himself go, etc" – William Morrow (and 1,056 others) + picture from Bryon Whitley.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Matt Derby.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool's new £13m signing Mamadou Sakho appears to have confused Liverpool Football Club with a university. "I came here because the project that is in place at Liverpool interests me," he blabbed.
While Liverpool have also signed Tiago Ilori and taken Victor Moses from Chelsea on loan for the season. "I just want to gel in," explained Moses, without explaining what that means. But while that 'in' is being gelled, he also wants to "get to know the players and play with them". Ah.
Stoke have been busy today, signing Marko Arnautovic. "Marko is a player we have been aware of for some time," said his new manager Mark Hughes. Hughes has been the Stoke manager for three months.
Spurs' Etienne Capoue will only be knacked for the next month after being stretchered off in the north London derby with ankle-gah!
In other news, football today claimed the moral high ground, however brief the period post-Francisco Gallardo may be.
Eddie Mitchell has stepped down as Bournemouth chairman after selling his 50% share of the club to Russian co-owner and Gladiator soundalike, Maxim Demin. "[This decision] has not been made lightly, nor without a great deal of angst," said Mitchell, managing to keep it clean.
And perhaps in the vain hope of bumping their transfer stories up the Google search ladder, Plymouth have signed Wolves left-back Jamie Reckord on loan for three months. Not that it's working.
STILL WANT MORE?
The steak ate the garnish in La Liga this weekend. To find out why this was a good thing, read Sid Lowe's blog.
There were no meat-related metaphors to go at in Paolo Bandini's Serie A blog, but knee-knack returnee Giuseppe Rossi scored a couple of goals for Fiorentina and seems hungry for more.
Raphael Honigstein was sampling the food at a wedding this weekend so you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out how tasty the Bundesliga action was.
Our writers cooked up 10 talking points from the Premier League action. Get your teeth into them here.
David Moyes blathering on about how Man Utd's 1-0 defeat to Liverpool was the best under his tenure was a bit rich, reviews Daniel Taylor.
And here's a feast of retro Bill Shankly images. Enjoy.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
There are still places available for the next of Big Paper/Website's 'How to be a football journalist' masterclasses on 29 September. If you're interested, you can sign up here.
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WELCOME ROSALIE MARGARET ADAMSON. YOUR FATHER IS A LUCKY MAN
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