STRAIT OF 'DOVA
As was famously written on the back of a beermat, you should never argue with fools lest you be dragged down to their level. You may believe that is actually a quote from the bible but the Fiver knows its pub paraphernalia and is willing to argue the point. You will lose. We will all lose. Which, come to think of it, makes it a fitting debate to hold on the day of an England international.
England can never win, at least that's how it feels. Even when they beat opponents, they are said to have done so with no style or to have merely set themselves up for future disillusion. Greg Dyke knows this, which is why his targeting of 2022 World Cup glory is so crafty. Obviously the FA chairman knows his utterance has condemned England to ugly defeat in 2022 because English players, although perceived as unbearably arrogant, tend to cope with high expectations about as well as swimmers cope with concrete socks. For the mentally weak, being written off is a boon, liberating them by providing a handy excuse for failure. Clever Dyke, then, has created the conditions for England to thrash Moldova tonight and march on to glory in Brazil next year.
"We don't see it [as a doomed mission]," thundered Mr Roy after it was suggested that by aiming for victory in a decade, Dyke was effectively dismissing the country's chances of doing anything before then. "I don't think he's giving up on the team," continued the England manager, channelling the modern psyche of the nation as he grew in confidence the second he suspected his boss had turned his back on him. "That would be harsh on him and even harsher on the team, They don't deserve that," he stormed, as he primed his players to batter Moldova. Whereupon, of course, there will be loud proclamations of England's greatness and everyone will look forward to victory over Ukraine on Tuesday. What? Ah.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Gregg Bakowski for MBM coverage of England 2-0 Moldova from 7.45pm BST, and Paul Doyle at the same time for a World Cup qualifiers clockwatch.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I read an article that said if you pick their best 11 players against the best 11 players anywhere in the world, they are the third most expensive team in the world. That is some going" – Wee Gordon Strachan leaves the Fiver even more confused than normal ahead of Scotland's 2-1 defeat to Belgium.
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FIVER LETTERS
"Being caught with a chronic case of England In Crisis v Moldova fever, I was almost tempted to buy a shirt from the official FA website's North American store, but I've been left perplexed: why didn't 'legendary Englishman Thierry Henry' ever play for England?" – Oliver Thomas.
"Re: footballer nicknames (Fiver letters passim). When striker David N'Gog signed for Liverpool, I took to calling him 'Wash', after the take-two-bottles-into-the-shower-tastic shampoo-and-conditioner combo that was much advertised back then. However, after his subsequent transfer to Bolton, commentators took to pronouncing his name as it is written, with a hard second 'g', thus ruining the amusement. Well, I say amusement, it was never actually as funny in the delivery as it was in theory. I wonder if other Fiver readers, or perhaps even the Fiver itself, have regular jokes they enjoy making that are significantly funnier in principle than they are in practice?" – Paul Dring.
"Queen's Celtic fans during our glorious 1990s were saddled with the Albanian playmaker Rudi 'holy' Vata. Probably doesn't work outside our ecumenical city of love" – John Scott.
"I bought a Kia Venga in June. My fellow Manchester United-obsessive keeps referring to it as Arsène" – John Reed.
"We hang our laundry on Patrick the airer" – Martin Leaver.
"Re: Rich Harland referring to Jason Puncheon as 'Judy' (yesterday's letters). What's so amusing about 'Judy Puncheon'?" – Keith Buchanan.
"Vinnie Jones can easily avoid the 405 congestion to San Pedro (Fiver letters passim) by taking the free carpool lane. All he needs is a mate to ride down and back with him. Who wouldn't want to whizz past Los Angeles traffic with a sugared-up (Ribena, Crunchies, box of Rose's chocs) Vinnie? Note that this route would not require Vinnie to buy a transponder to access the 110 carpool lane. Good value" – Mike Wilner.
"Can I point out that the wider Santa Monica area has at least four shops where you can buy Ribena for the same price as an acceptable bottle of wine, or $5, thus avoiding a potential day-long return trip to San Pedro. Vinnie could save time and fuel by frequenting one of the locations as follows (in order of nearest to Vinnie's crisp-laden pseudo-Georgian mansion): a) Vicente Foods, 12027 San Vicente Boulevard, Los Angeles; b) Sainsbury Market (Deli), 12200 Wilshire Blvd, Los Angeles; c) The Continental Shop, 1619 Wilshire Blvd, Santa Monica; d) Ye Olde King's Head, 132 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica. I've also attached a map which Vinnie could perhaps print out and keep in his wallet as a handy dandy guide to the area. Alternatively, he could just phone them and ask them to deliver it in return for a photo of him with the manager that will go on the wall behind the till with all the other cretins clinging to their passing moment of fame. PS: it should be noted that the Ye Olde King's Head does a mean bakewell tart. None of that Kipling nonesense" – Simon Burke.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Oliver Thomas.
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BITS AND BOBS
Martin Demichelis, signed by Manchester City on deadline day to help cover their knack issues, will be out for at least the next six weeks with knee-yelp.
Punctuality's Chris Coleman has belatedly arrived in Skopje for Wales's World Cup qualifier against Macedonia after losing his passport on Wednesday. "I am sure he will bat it off and get on with it and not be embarrassed," parped No2 Kit Symons.
Spain coach Vicente del Bosque has stuck his maw where it's probably not wanted and claimed Iker Casillas was frozen out by Real Madrid for trying to ease tensions between the Spanish internationals at his club and at Barcelona. "This did not go down well and perhaps had a detrimental effect also on Iker," sniffed Del Bosque.
Eric Abidal has taken a pop at Barça, claiming they didn't pay him while he was undergoing a liver transplant. "What was hard to understand was what Barcelona said during my last press conference," he jibed. "By saying that it was a professional choice, it made other clubs doubt. It wasn't even a question of money. The proof being that all the months I was ill, the club didn't pay me."
São Paulo keeper Rogério Ceni missed his third successive penalty in the 2-1 home defeat to Criciúma in Brazil. "It was my mistake, my incompetence," he sobbed.
And why not support grass-roots football by toddling along to support your local club on Non-League Day tomorrow. Seriously, why not?
STILL WANT MORE?
Like the English game it covers, Match of the Day has become a blazered, sofa-bound conspiracy of complacency, vents Barney Ronay. Gary Lineker has taken it, well …
Owned by their fans, Portsmouth feel like a club reborn, writes Proper Journalism's David Conn.
Carpe diem O'Ireland (and nine other non-partly-Latin-based things to watch for in tonight's World Cup qualifiers, according to Jacob Steinberg, Gregg Bakowski and Andy Ha)!
Who are ya! Who are ya! Having to explain who your non-league team is to Premier League glory-hunters is both soul-destroying and belly-warming, quips Mike Bayly on the Sport Network.
And this week's Joy of Six features Jesus Quintana, Sean Bean at Bramall Lane and the Count of Monte Fisto. Enjoy.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
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NO MORE MR NICE (AND SPLENDIDLY TALENTED) GUY. CHEERS ROB, AND GOOD LUCK
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