WHY DOES IT ALWAYS WAYNE ON ME?
Traditional Premier League Curtain-Raiser may be little more than a meaningless pre-season friendly, but David Moyes will be relieved his Manchester United side managed to avoid an upset at the hands of Plucky Little Wigan at Wembley yesterday afternoon. Victory for Owen Coyle's route one merchants would have prompted enough Manchester United In Crisis articles to fill 315 of the green and white Capital Waste Solutions recycling bins stippled around Big Paper Towers, in which the Fiver has been known to controversially dispose of things it shouldn't – dead bodies, car batteries and aerosol cans – when the nearest red and white Capital Waste Solutions non-recyclables bin is too far away.
But with Manchester United having won with a minimum of fuss, their result was somewhat overshadowed by the massive black shadow which made it impossible to make out what was going on on one half of the pitch and the much publicised and long overdue introduction of helpful and innovative new technology rolled out at the match: a number of strategically positioned cameras, microphones and speakers designed to amplify the inevitable line of Wayne Rooney-related questioning directed at Moyes in his post-match press conference.
"I can absolutely assure you all I have not fallen out with [Wayne]," he said, fixing all present with a stare that suggested it won't be long before he's fallen out with them. "I'm quite enjoying talking about Wayne because so many of you are getting it wrong," he continued, clearly not enjoying talking about Wayne, but realising the utter futility of attempting to get through a press conference without discussing the man who had sat out the preceding match with a bout of attitude knack one Manchester United medic appears to have misdiagnosed as a shoulder injury.
It is an ailment the want-away-to-Chelsea striker appears to have shrugged – honk! – off in time for England training this morning, from where breathless, over-the-top interpretations of his every shot, shuttle run and slalom suggest that here was an angry and defiant renegade with a message ... rather than, say, just another footballer doing what footballers do every single day at training.
"It will be great for Manchester United because hopefully Wayne will get some playing time," said Moyes yesterday of his charge toddling off to play for England. "He wasn't ready for today but he has a chance of being ready for Wednesday." Meanwhile after this morning's session, it was England manager Mr Roy's turn to face a barrage of interrogatory projectiles about Rooney. "I expect him to tell me that everything was fine and I expect him to get up fit and ready to go tomorrow morning as well," he said. Ready to go where, Mr Roy? Ready to go where?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
5 August, 2001: "Having listened to the arguments over the decades and watched the replay hundreds of times on TV, I have to admit it looks as if the ball didn't cross the line" – Sir Geoff Hurst.
12 August, 2013: "If we had this system 50 years ago, it would have shown quite clearly the ball was at least a foot over the line" – Sir Geoff Hurst shows the extraordinary confidence-boosting potential that exists within goalline technology.
FIVER LETTERS
"So Assem Allam is giving Hull a unique name to avoid the team being associated with other riff raff such as Leicester (Friday's Fiver). So there's no team called Leicester Tigers then?" – Marisa Cardoni.
"I agree with Assem Allam. Hull City is just too similar a name to Leicester City, Bristol City, Manchester City and all the other Cities. Much better to have a unique name like Hull Tigers and to be special. There's no risk of them being associated with anyone else now. Other than maybe the Tamil Tigers, and what could possibly be wrong with that? What? Oh" – Enna Cooper.
"Re Hull City's rebranding. Why don't they just call themselves Hull City Nil? Seems far more appropriate for their forthcoming Premier League campaign" – Marc Meldrum.
"Dear Fiver, as it would seem that there are only 692 pedants (Fiver Letters passim), can I request an official redefinition of the quorum of pedants? Big Bank Fantasy Premier League, code is 183060-218336 for the 365 pedants still to join us. An 'annual' of pedants remaining?" – Luke Taylor.
"I read with interest that places are available for the football journalist masterclasses. It was my understanding that these were held daily within the Fiver Letters section?" – Marin Sardelic.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Marin Sardelic.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
The Queen's Celtic striker Anthony Stokes has been arrested in Dublin in connection with an alleged assault on an Elvis impersonator in June.
Brendan Rodgers says Liverpool will do everything they can to fix the feud with Big Cup-football craving striker Luis Suárez. "We hope that the situation can be resolved amicably and I am sure it will be," said Rodgers, plastering MasterCard ads all around Anfield to give the place that Big Cup feel.
Former Bulgaria Under-21 international Borislav Baldzhiyski has been charged with the murder of a 36-year-old lawyer outside a casino in Sofia.
The Liverpool-rejects-to-West-Ham XI almost has its final team member after the Reds accepted a bid of around £5m for Stewart Downing. The team (4-3-3): James; Burrows, Song, Ruddock, Dicks; Downing, Hutchinson, Cole; Mellor, Camara, Carroll.
And having failed to attract the interest of a professional club, Pascal Chimbonda is set to start for Market Drayton in their Northern Premier League Division One South opener against Eastwood Town this weekend. "I'm waiting for someone to come and get me because I've really missed playing," sobbed the former France defender.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Jacob Steinberg and John Ashdown give some hot chat on Manchester United and Newcastle's chances for the coming season, respectively.
STILL WANT MORE?
In Germany, newspapers can get away with headlines like "Hey! Hey! Hey!" reports Raphael Honigstein, before finding time to fill everyone in on the Bundesliga's opening matches.
United 2.0, the Glazer's PT Barnum, 34 commercial partners and the fact that the only arrival this summer is Guillermo Varela all make appearances in our Manchester United season preview.
And there is much cause for optimism at Newcastle – as long as Joe Effing Kinnear doesn't eff it all up, reckons Louise Taylor.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
There are still places available for the next of Big Paper/Website's 'How to be a football journalist' masterclasses on 29 September. If you're interested, you can sign up here.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
RUNNING ON EMPTY
No comments:
Post a Comment