THE BEST WAY TO FIND YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS
With his #5 digital lifestyle magazine and its accompanying clothing range, Rio Ferdinand is certainly a man who knows all about identity. Indeed, should you ever find yourself tut-tutting at the anti-social behaviour of a ne'er-do-well street urchin wearing a #5 snapback, #5 skinny-fit zip-thru hoodie and joggers, a #5 gold button polo and #5 sport socks and boxers, chances are their fashionable branding will bring to mind an image of the elegant Manchester United defender walking the ball out of defence as they circle menacingly on their BMX bikes.
Given his expertise on the subject of maximising potential through personal branding, Rio seems as good a person as any to call for radical reform and a new identity for the England football team. Speaking ahead of the side's international unfriendly against Scotland at Wembley tomorrow night, he said England should be prepared to miss out on qualifying for an international tournament or two in order to work on their own unique identity and football philosophy.
"If all the names were taken off the back of the shirts and the colours were changed, you couldn't go in there and say: 'That's an England team, that's our identity, that's the way we play,' he said, doing a grave disservice to the hapless hoof and rush, give-away-possession football that juxtaposes England teams at all levels from their more technically gifted international rivals. "Whereas you look at an Italian team, a Dutch team, a Spanish team, a German team or a Brazilian team, without seeing the names on the shirts, you would identify because they're working from a script." The suggestion being that England teams prefer to ad-lib and improvise, like the Fiver noodling self-indulgently on its saxophone while conducting one of its fabled Big Paper free-jazz improv masterclasses.
Of course it is easy to make fun of Rio Ferdinand, who has been good to the Fiver over the years, but to be fair the man has a point on this occasion, even if it is one that has been made ad nauseum in the past by others and invariably ignored. Football fans in general – and England fans in particular – are not a breed renowned for their zen-like patience and the notion that 90,000 home fans would politely applaud $tevie Mbe, James Milner and chums to abject defeat against Slovakia because it was for some greater long-term good is patently absurd. As an even more scurvy hack than the Fiver called William Shakespeare once said: "We know what we are, but not what we may be."
QUOTE OF THE DAY
17 July: "It is not something I am going to consider. As far as I see it I'm here to play … I have absolutely no reason to leave" – Stewart Downing says he is not leaving Liverpool.
13 August: "I'm very excited. It's a great opportunity for me being here" – Stewart Downing does one from Liverpool to West Ham for £6m.
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: a Fiver Fantasy League. After Luke Taylor's email (yesterday's Fiver letters) as well as Michael Holt's email concerning potential confusion with Guardian Soulmates from 6 August, I have just done a quick census based on first names of the 700-plus people who have signed up and the league is, as it stands, approximately 95% male. As appropriate as this seems, perhaps some more of the Fiver's female readership would like to take up the challenge?" – James Keidel.
"With Hull City's rebranding as the Hull Tigers (Fiver passim), can we look forward to their mascot being re-branded Arkan the Tiger after the cuddly Serb paramilitary leader so loved by the equally cuddly Lazio Ultras? This will certainly create brand distinction so loved by the marketing suits in turn so loved by football fans" – Dion Di Miceli.
"I scrolled straight past your piece on England and Wayne Rooney (yesterday's Fiver) to get to the letters and the story about Anthony Stokes and an Elvis impersonator. Sorry. Don't take it personally, I'm sure your bit was good, there's just nothing you could have done to make that story interesting" – Jim Adamson.
"Re: your Liverpool rejects to West Ham XI (yesterday's Bits and Bobs). How could you leave Mike Marsh and Craig Bellamy out of the team?" – Bill Prosser.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Dion Di Miceli.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
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BITS AND BOBS
Hull boss Bernard Cribbins doesn't give a solitary one about plans to rebrand the club as Hull City Tigers. "It's a couple of words, it doesn't really make a difference as far as I'm concerned," he company-manned.
Former footballer Marouane Chamakh is hoping to dig his boots out of the garden shed and resurrect his career after signing a one-year deal at Crystal Palace.
Norn Iron 1-0 will face Russia in tomorrow's World Cup qualifier without Palermo's Kyle Lafferty after the striker suffered achilles-arrrgh! in a pre-season friendly.
West Brom are hoping on-loan Udinese striker Matej Vydra will fill the Romelu Lukaku-shaped hole in their attack. "He's another good quality striker," chirped boss Steve Clarke.
Red-hot Gareth Bale news: he's refused to comment on that move to Madrid. "I'm really sorry, now's not the time to talk," he blockbustered.
And Pope Francis has met with the players of Italy and Argentina ahead of tomorrow's friendly between the two in Rome, asking them to pray for him "on the playing field God put me on".
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Paul MacInnes and Jacob Steinberg give some hot chat on Norwich and Southampton's chances for the coming season, respectively.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ivan Gazidis plays Guess Who? Photograph: Photomontage Ivan Gazidis plays a tedious and ultimately unsatisfying game of Guess Who? with Arsène Wenger as the Gallery returns with the Premier League's new faces.
Jonathan Wilson explains why Anzhi Makhachkalakalakalakalakala are now a former rich man's plaything and why another rich man's plaything could be about to profit from their troubles.
Will Norwich's sw@nky new strikeforce switch the emphasis from survival to entertainment, asks Simon Burnton.
And will the Saints go marching into the top 10 having thrown a bit of cash around this summer, wonders Jacob Steinberg.
Are fans getting angrier, asks Marcus Christenson, in this sad tale of an error-prone Fortuna Dusseldorf player who was reduced to tears by his club's own nasty fans.
And win tickets to watch Crystal Palace v Spurs or West Ham v Cardiff by correctly answering two questions that would insult even this simple tea-timely email's intelligence.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
There are still places available for the next of Big Paper/Website's 'How to be a football journalist' masterclasses on 29 September. If you're interested, you can sign up here.
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A POOR MAN'S TiS
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