'IN AN MMMBOP THEY'RE GONE …'
So farewell, then, Alan Hansen. Your announcement that you're quitting a popular Saturday night BBC TV show hasn't caused quite the same kind of rumpus as the decision of an actor playing a Time Lord on Doctor Who. Neverthless, news that a man who has appeared on a television programme for a long time and has decided to quit once next year's World Cup ends is still grist to the Fiver's mill, particularly on an international week when there's not much else to talk about. The most monotonously predictable fixture on Match of the Day since Stoke 0-0 Fulham has announced that he'll be stepping down as a pundit, presumably to work on his golf swing and hang around the clubhouse bar engaging in laddish banter. As for how that will differ from his current routine … well, your guess is as good as the Fiver's.
Reaction to his decision has been predictably mixed, with some suggesting the likeable Scottish pundit is a dinosaur who has been left behind by a new generation of over-enthusiastic meta-pundits who actually convey the impression they've done some preparation ahead of the gig. Others will miss his laid-back style and yearn for the days in which he slumped lugubriously in a chair opposite Gary Lineker, showing occasional signs of life by mumbling things about people being "disappointed with that" or t1ttering with Alan Shearer upon learning their swotty fellow pundit Lee Dixon knew the identity of Slovakia's Marek Hamsik prior to a World Cup match they were all being very well paid to analyse. OK, so it's only football, but still … Marek Hamsik.
"I'm retiring from Match of the Day at the end of the season; I will have been there for 22 years and will be 59, so it's the right time for me," said Hansen, who seems to think the guys at the BBC will be disappointed with that. "The guys at the BBC know me and I said: 'Look, this is categorical. I'm leaving and nothing will make me change my mind'." Equally categorical was Hansen's assertion that Manchester United wouldn't win the title in 1995-96 because "you can't win anything with kids". It was a statement that would come back to bite him badly, what with it being the only time in living memory a talking head venturing an opinion on the subject of football got something wrong.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Chunk called me up one day and said, 'We got a pre-season game over at Oxford – fancy it?'" – Steve Davies, the West Ham fan brought on to play during a game by 'Arry Redknapp. One of the best things you'll read this week. Triffic.
FIVER LETTERS
"Perhaps those Fiver readers who are interested in the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with them, could take a leaf out of this guy's book (or manual, as the case may be). As an example of how not to attract said friendly romantics, of course. I think this is also a convenient (if tenuous) opportunity to remind ourselves of L'il Mickey's glossy brochure from a few years back" – Neil Campbell.
"Everton may have failed to retain the services of hair's Marouane Fellaini, but at least they've managed to extend the contract of their most important signing (and could that be the most threatening-looking mascot in football?)" – Alistair Drummond.
"Regarding Ben Graham's claim that Vinnie Jones' wallet would be fuller if he shopped in San Pedro rather than Hollywood, (yesterday's letters). That may well be the case but it's no good imploring him to head down to San Pedro via the I-405 when anyone local (or with access to a map) could tell you that the quickest route is via the I-110. Plus, anyone who has had the misfortune to ride the congested 405 would know that you would probably cover less than a mile in the mere '20-minute trip' claimed. It's this kind of negligent local advice that poor Vinnie must be getting for him to be making such costly choices in his shopping habits" – Ben.
"Re: player nicknames (Fiver letters passim). I like to refer to Jason Puncheon as 'Judy'. I don't know if any normal people do though" – Rich Harland.
"My friend once owned a Civic that he nicknamed Pascal Chimb, as in Pascal Chimb(Honda). It didn't last too long however, often honking in the direction of more attractive owners in London, before settling for a quieter life in Market Drayton. Sounds familiar, no?" – David J Form.
"Here in Oz there is a rugby league player called Matt Hilder. For some reason he is known as 'Waltzing' …" – Allastair McGillivray (and flamin' others).
"Following on from Philip Johnson's Mesut Ozil look-a-like suggestion (yesterday's letters), I think he resembles a young Nigel Havers of 80s 'comedy' Don't Wait Up – the title, for once, proving strangely ironic for Gooners on transfer deadline day" – Paul O'Grady.
"The real winner is German-born classic film star Peter Lorre" – Nick Mancini (and others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Also, if you've nothing better to do, you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: David J Form.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
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BITS AND BOBS
Oh, it's international break all right. Robin van Persie has dismissed reports he is unhappy playing for new Manchester United boss David Moyes. "I'm happy with Moyes's style," cheered the fashionista.
Meanwhile, United's summer goes from bad to worse: Nani has signed a new five-year deal at the club. "He has great ability and experience beyond his 26 years," bellowed Moyes.
FA suit Greg Dyke has been taking a small dose of his reality pills. "Let's not kid ourselves," he parped in relation to next summer's World Cup, for which England are still a fair way from qualifying for in the first place. "It's pretty hard to win in Latin America anyway for a European side. We're certainly not going to go there as odds-on favourites, that's for sure."
Daniel Sturridge won't be doing any dancing on Friday night after being ruled out of England's game against Moldova with thigh-knack.
And both Bristol City and Rovers managers have condemned the violence and pitch invasion that followed last night's Paint Pot Trophy derby. "The scenes at the end were disgraceful," said City boss Sean O'Driscoll, whose side won 2-1. "Why people can't behave themselves at a football match is beyond me," added Rovers' John Ward.
STILL WANT MORE?
It's Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Amy Lawrence looks at the brilliant batch of Belgians as they head off to tackle Scotland tomorrow night.
Ever dreamt of seeing David James slave away as a dockworker, while listening to some classic rock? Today is your lucky day.
Greg Dyke might be big, bold and bald but the new FA chairman has conveniently forgotten his role in forming the Premier League, reminds Proper Journalism's David Conn.
And you want Ronaldinho free-kick goals for Atlético Mineiro last night? You can't handle the Ronaldin … oh, you probably can.
GUARDIAN MASTERCLASSES
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